TONIGHT! Swithun Crowe and his wild bunch of Nacho desperados crash the Hard Rock Monday cantina.
With more cheese than a brontosaurus’ bell end, things
are gonna get messy - stringy strands stuck to your fingers,
congealing deposits of guilty secrets, hot spurts of
molten pleasure, and more protein dripping off your chin
than you ever fantasised about. Mmmh. Have you been
The Flamin’ Pendechos
Think that jalapenos are what little girls eat while listening
to Hannah Montana? Then this dish is for you. The
gastr(onom)ic equivalent of the vuvuzela is off the Scoville
Scale, liberally infused with Birdseyes, habaneros, and the
S-Dawg’s favourite, the Naga Jolokia or Ghost chili. If you
struggle to finish a vindaloo, then you are woefully out of
your depth with this kulinary killer.
Mean and green, this bad boy packs a prehistoric punch
only matched by its scaly namesake. Yellow tomatoes,
green peppers, green onions and Japanese horse radish
combine to form a fiery green salsa. If things couldn’t get
greener, no one told the guacamole and fresh coriander.
One mouthful of this and you will be destroying skyscrapers
like a true wasabist. “Oh no, there goes Tokyo. Go go
A ninja among nachos, this stealthy dish will sneak up behind
you and plant a tortilla chip in your forehead before
you can say “cowabunga dude”. Who is prepared for blue
corn chips? Who can resist a nutty, peppery black olive
tapenade? Who dares take on the unseen terrors lurking
in the black bean salsa? Are you feeling up to it, or just
scratching your leg?
There is a little of Beavis and Butthead in all of us. Who
hasn’t head banged to The Blizzard, gone in fear of the
gym teacher or whacked off in a camper van? To mark
their return to the small screen, we are proud to let rip
with The Fartknocker. No dolphins were flogged in the making
of these beany nachos, though we can’t guarantee them
free from butt dumplings.
For those who know what they like and like what they know.
So much has already been written about Forest nachos,
that they need no further introduction.
You just have to try these. They are simply divine. Tortilla
chips reclining on a bed of refreshing rocket, resplendent
with a rather rakish Roquefort and some rambunctious
raspberry reduction. Mmhhm mhhmmhmhm mhmhmhmhm.
Mhmhh mmhmhmm mhmhmmm. Oh crap.
Wears The Soap
Doesn’t it. Yeasty (or cheesy, your choice) tacos nestling
on a bed of innocent rice and salad. Gently nudge them
open to reveal a juicy soya chunk chili that really puts the
sin into chili sin carne. Enjoy a couple on your own, or go
large and bump tacos with your girlfriends.
What the matter? You never hear no one impersonate a
Jamaican before? Raasole. Lively up yourself with hot stepping
red, yellow and green Scotch bonnet peppers and
ease up with a tropical all fruit ripe salsa. (That be `nuff
stereotyping for one day, Ed.)
The Big Fat Greek Nachos
Order this dish before the IMF bans it. Overly generous
amounts of feta cheese, a whopping subsidy of red onion
salad and unsustainable quantities of black olives make this
a meal worth striking about.
Dude, pop a brewski, slip your girlfriend a Rohypnol, roll
up your sleeves and chow down on a collar popping soul
patch of Jägermeister infused salsa jelly. If the overpriced
56 herbs and spices or the sprinkling of gold dust don’t
bring out the doucheasaurus in you, then be reassured
that nothing will.